Trust

I cannot decide whether or not trusting people is worth it.
There are so few people who once they understand all of my angles who actually want to stick around.  So many people have decided that I'm crazy and not worth it.
Time for walls.

True Love

God,

When will I ever get over how much he hurt me? I fell absolutely pathetic.  I was in love with some guy who just didn't care.  I drained him, or so he said. Now I feel worthless and like a freak. I don't trust. I'm afraid that everyone will get tired of me like he did.

I want to focus on you. You've shown me that you will never tire of me and all my issues don't bother you.  I am not an obligation to you and when I get frustrated with my body it's not "old news".  If I am the bride of Christ, your bride, please show me. I want to rest in you. It is time that you were the love of my life.

Piano Song, by Meiko

Every little thing I do, I do for you
With every little thing, I think a thought of you

And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me

Jealous of the way they walk, the way *they* talk
'Cause I don't think they know just what they got
I'm jealous of the way they look, the way they are
When I just want to be the way we were

And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com 
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me

Well, I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me

Thinking

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.


To be honest I've never thought much of this verse. I thought that nothing affected me truly that much.  I was offended by some music, so I didn't listen to it, that was about it.  But now that I think on it, there may be more to this verse than meets the eye. 


God always knows what He's talking about.  It's really quite amazing.  When it comes to sex on the screen, I've finally accepted the fact that it makes me think thoughts I shouldn't have.  The world truly is saturated with sex and while I do believe that it is natural and beautiful and all that great crap (when I say and all that great crap, it's my way of saying etc etc, just for further notice).  Let's face it, we don't need to think about sex as much as we do and I'm sure I would think about it less if I didn't have it right in front of me.  But I always thought that violence was never going to be a problem for me.  Well guess what. It is.  Not only am I more squeamish than I used to be, which I consider a good thing, violence just doesn't fit into my equation of life. 


I am taking Taekwondo. I love Taekwondo.  The confidence to move smoothly and powerfully, to be able to protect yourself and to discipline yourself is just wonderful.  Taekwondo does not make me want to be attacked or to attack someone.  Violent shows do not make me want to attack people, far from it.  However, they do make me paranoid.  For those who really know me you know that I have worked with OCD for quite a while. For the majority of the time it is under control. I am obviously not anorexic for fear of germs and immanent death, but older men scare me.  I can't sleep unless I know the front door is locked and the alarm is on or someone else is home.  If I am home alone, music or something must be playing. I am not saying that I shall begin trusting everyone I come across, let us not be ridiculous please.  But I am saying that the stuff we see DOES affect us, even if it's not in the obvious such as "That's a good idea, I'm going to kill someone" or "That looks like fun, let's go have sex".  


When God told us to think on these things, He meant for us to apply them to our lives.  When I think about what God has done for me, what I can do for other people, what I need to do that day or with my life, I am happy and I am content.  When I start focusing on the fictional crap that doesn't even have a moral point, I start to not have a moral point. I think "wait, what do I think about this?" but then get so sucked into getting entertained that I don't realize what's happening.  We need to constantly be checking our focus otherwise it will shift without us realizing what happened.  


I am not saying I have or will ever live up to these thoughts here.  But this is what I think I'm learning and it is something that finally makes sense to me. 

Hello There

I always thought that blogs were a little weird, but then I realized that writing things down always helped as did sharing. Maybe I just like talking too much, but I guess this way if you don't want to know, you don't have to read and you don't have to worry about being considered rude.

So I have been thinking, I've been thinking that for the past while I've been trying to be something besides what I should be.  I went away from God for a while, I doubted a lot and figured since I was such a lousy Christian He wouldn't want me anyway.  I got caught up a lot in whatever little things were happening to me and some of the bigger things too and stopped seeing what God wanted, what in the end I wanted and started to rely on my feelings instead of on good sense and on God.

But no longer, I have decided.  From now on God is pilot and I know that I'm not going to be great at this, let's be honest here.  There's a lot I don't understand about the Bible let alone life and both of them terrify me, but most of the time it's a thrilling terror.  I can't wait to see what God has in store for me, but sometimes I just want to crawl back under my Doctor Who duvet and listen to Les Mis until the need to pee forces me out from my sanctuary.

I have also decided that I need to stop trying to be a people pleaser.  I do love to help people, I love cooking and hugging and listening and making random things and being maternal.  However, some people seem to just not like me and I need to be ok with it.  When I say I am a freak or weird or crazy I mean it in the best way.  I have no problem with who I am. I am not perfect, but I try every day to be the best person I can be and if my constant trying is not enough for someone then so-be-it. It is enough for God.  I am different. I am random. I am a 20 year old girl who checks out giant books on Salvador Dali, cross stitches, wears a homemade apron every time she walks into the kitchen and has way too much of Much Ado About Nothing and just about all of Lord of the Rings memorized.  I will apologize when I do something douchy or just plain rude. I will make things right when I screw up, but if that is not enough for someone, it is not enough for them.

God has granted me this life to do something amazing for Him. I don't know what exactly it is yet and who knows if some of it has already begun.  But I do know that life is an adventure, not an exact science, but an adventure and it has already started.