My Rant

First off, this is not meant to be pointed at anyone in particular. And definitely not anyone who tends to read this thing.

I just really need to get this off my chest because people seem to think this. I am not an incompetent moron.

I know I am no genius, I am of your average intelligence, nothing terribly special. I know I am not terribly organized but it is something I have, believe it or not, improved upon and am continuing to do so. I do my part cleaning the apartment, I do all of my homework and I go to every class that I possibly can.

I don't usually talk about my FM because doing so has strange effects on people and I take good care of myself so that I am highly functional with it along with sleep apnea and sleep delayed phase syndrome. So usually if I'm not in my class or at chapel or I'm just not there when I usually am, it's because of one of those.  I am not making this shit up, I don't want attention for it (which is why I don't talk about it) and I do everything I can to live my life as best as possible. If anything, having chronic illnesses has made me more determined to succeed.  I am taking 18 credits, I have a job, I have an internship, I'm taking Taekwondo and teaching myself piano on the side. I am not incompetent.

And even if I was slacking off on my responsibilities to my schoolwork, I dare you to find a time where I slacked off in my responsibilities to you. If it's nothing to do with you and no injustice is being done, stay out of it.

Something TOTALLY AWESOME!

So I figured out something totally awesome this week. Or rather, God has taught me something awesome this week. However you want to say it. Something awesome happened this week.

To back up, I've been learning a lot in my devotions lately about how to rest in God and to rely on Him rather than anything else. Through doing this I have found an amazing peace that is indescribable, save for the fact that it makes me want to giggle and do a little happy dance.  I've learned that sometimes life sucks and when it does, God can use it for something good.

The other day I found out that Aaron was in a relationship and stupid me starting crying. I do not miss him, I do not pine for him and I do not want him back, however it made me upset. How lame is that? Anyway, for the rest of the day I was distracted by a snow day and a few people who invaded my apartment (it's ok, they're lovely and crazy) so I kept my mind off of it, but then I went to Time Out, which is a chapel possibility in the evening on Wednesdays.

Dr. Peterson was there talking about Communion and it was really interesting. He was talking about the purpose of Communion, origins and etc etc.  At one point someone asked "Who shouldn't take Communion?" and he said that basically anyone who truly wanted to experience God could take Communion. He said that Communion was a way of worship and healing. He asked us "What does God need to heal you of?" And I immediately thought of the hurt I was feeling. He then asked "And what is God challenging you with?" The answer was not hard to figure out.

Let's face it. I am a hopeless romantic. I cannot tell you how many boys I have bossed around, instructing them how to romance their girlfriends. I want to get married someday, I really do. And as I thought I was able to admit to myself that I think about this whole concept too much.  It felt like God was challenging me to give up my dream of romance and marriage to Him.  At first I was like, "Cool! I'll let God take care of it and when I've done well not pining over this wish of mine He'll reward me with an awesome guy!" And God was like "Umm, no. That's not how this is going to work. Maybe I will and maybe I won't. You need to be ok with the idea of never getting married if you're going to do this. You are going to only be romantically involved with me. This is how it has to work." After a little bit, I was able to consent to this. The thoughts of romance and marriage still pop into my mind, but hey, I am so much more content knowing that my true love is God and no matter what He will always be there for me.

Oh! And so another really cool thing happened, if I may.
I figured out what my problem has been for the past two years. I figured out why I've been so unhappy and why so many people have been telling me that I've changed and it's not for the best.

I gave Aaron and my friends at NNU my mirror.

When I went to college I was nervous as allgetout, I didn't want to be in Idaho, I hardly knew anybody, I didn't want to go to NNU, I was away from everyone I loved and there were strange things going on with my body that I didn't understand. After a while I drifted away from God as well. All of these things made me very self-conscious and when I started to make friends and then get a boyfriend, somehow I ended up judging myself according to how they reacted to me. For a while it was just fine, but then I got depressed (FM depletes your serotonin levels, which of course is another thing that leads to my OCD kicking back into gear, oh yeah, and my temper gets shorter and shorter).  This all mixed together, I started to get more difficult to deal with, so they started to get more annoyed with me. When problems would arise with Aaron I would freak out because it would hurt more than it should have because I was getting my feelings of self-worth from him, rather than from God and it would stress him out and make him more irritable with me. Basically it was this whole loop of craziness. I'm not saying that everything was Aaron's fault or my fault. This is just the basis for our demise as far as I can tell.

BTW. When I focus on God, take proper care of myself (which included taking my medicine which balances out my serotonin levels) I am more patient, less neurotic and very rarely depressed.  Now that I have God, that I know my tendency to hand my mirror over to other people, I am able to be more conscious of when I am doing it and when I am not. I can't tell you how happy I am now that I have God again and that He holds my mirror. I don't hate myself, I don't freak out over everything, I laugh so much more and I have my personality back.

So I've learned that God and God alone needs to have control over my feelings of self-worth. He will never make me feel worthless or stupid and He sees into my heart when everyone else just sees my OCD.  Dad says that the best gift I can give the man I end up marrying (pending God's decisions, of course) is to be completely content with myself, strong and independent. If you choose to let someone besides God hold your mirror, you will turn into something you won't like. That is completely what I did. God will only ask you to improve on your imperfections, He will never ask you to compromise what is right or make you feel bad for being who you truly are, which is who He made you to be.

Taekwondo

So here's the thing. I'm taking Taekwondo and I have Fibromyalgia.  Most people who know these two things think that I am completely crazy and maybe I am. But I don't care. This is why.

For one when I exercise I feel better.  I've never been a runner and I can't do water aerobics when I'm at school (I LOVE water aerobics) and for some reason I've always wanted to take a martial art.  To be honest I feel a little safer now that I understand a little of how to defend myself. But here's the real reason I don't care if I get kicked or punched.

Some pain is worth it. It was worth feeling like my head was going to explode to see my mother sing in her college choir, it's worth falling over when being tickled because you're creating a bond with someone. It's worth getting kicked and hit in Taekwondo because when I do it, I feel like I can do anything.

This summer I went back to Wild Waves, the place I was the day before the migraines started.  Maybe it was the place it all began. I could only go on my favorite ride once, it hurt too much, but I went on it. I faced my fear. With Taekwondo I can jump, kick, spin around and most of the time land on my feet. I can now kick as high as my Dad's shoulder.  Yes, it hurts sometimes. Sometimes it hurts a lot, but the discipline, the accomplishment of passing my first belt test and the confidence makes it worth it.

Yesterday when we were sparring, I was sparring Lydia, who is a brown belt (which means she is faaaaarr ahead of me) and she was telling me that she could see the excitement come alive in my eyes as we were sparring.

Sometimes pain is worth it.

My Song

This song has been an encouragement to me through tough times over and over again. Every time I'm in a tight spot and I hear it it's like hearing it for the first time.

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

Chorus 1:
You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing
I don't know is part of getting through
I tried to do what's best
But faith has made it easy
To see the best thing i can do
Is to put my trust in You.

Chorus 2
For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

Coda:
I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If i let You reach me
Will You teach me.
(Repeat Chorus )

For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I

Trust

I cannot decide whether or not trusting people is worth it.
There are so few people who once they understand all of my angles who actually want to stick around.  So many people have decided that I'm crazy and not worth it.
Time for walls.

True Love

God,

When will I ever get over how much he hurt me? I fell absolutely pathetic.  I was in love with some guy who just didn't care.  I drained him, or so he said. Now I feel worthless and like a freak. I don't trust. I'm afraid that everyone will get tired of me like he did.

I want to focus on you. You've shown me that you will never tire of me and all my issues don't bother you.  I am not an obligation to you and when I get frustrated with my body it's not "old news".  If I am the bride of Christ, your bride, please show me. I want to rest in you. It is time that you were the love of my life.

Piano Song, by Meiko

Every little thing I do, I do for you
With every little thing, I think a thought of you

And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me

Jealous of the way they walk, the way *they* talk
'Cause I don't think they know just what they got
I'm jealous of the way they look, the way they are
When I just want to be the way we were

And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com 
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me

Well, I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me

Thinking

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.


To be honest I've never thought much of this verse. I thought that nothing affected me truly that much.  I was offended by some music, so I didn't listen to it, that was about it.  But now that I think on it, there may be more to this verse than meets the eye. 


God always knows what He's talking about.  It's really quite amazing.  When it comes to sex on the screen, I've finally accepted the fact that it makes me think thoughts I shouldn't have.  The world truly is saturated with sex and while I do believe that it is natural and beautiful and all that great crap (when I say and all that great crap, it's my way of saying etc etc, just for further notice).  Let's face it, we don't need to think about sex as much as we do and I'm sure I would think about it less if I didn't have it right in front of me.  But I always thought that violence was never going to be a problem for me.  Well guess what. It is.  Not only am I more squeamish than I used to be, which I consider a good thing, violence just doesn't fit into my equation of life. 


I am taking Taekwondo. I love Taekwondo.  The confidence to move smoothly and powerfully, to be able to protect yourself and to discipline yourself is just wonderful.  Taekwondo does not make me want to be attacked or to attack someone.  Violent shows do not make me want to attack people, far from it.  However, they do make me paranoid.  For those who really know me you know that I have worked with OCD for quite a while. For the majority of the time it is under control. I am obviously not anorexic for fear of germs and immanent death, but older men scare me.  I can't sleep unless I know the front door is locked and the alarm is on or someone else is home.  If I am home alone, music or something must be playing. I am not saying that I shall begin trusting everyone I come across, let us not be ridiculous please.  But I am saying that the stuff we see DOES affect us, even if it's not in the obvious such as "That's a good idea, I'm going to kill someone" or "That looks like fun, let's go have sex".  


When God told us to think on these things, He meant for us to apply them to our lives.  When I think about what God has done for me, what I can do for other people, what I need to do that day or with my life, I am happy and I am content.  When I start focusing on the fictional crap that doesn't even have a moral point, I start to not have a moral point. I think "wait, what do I think about this?" but then get so sucked into getting entertained that I don't realize what's happening.  We need to constantly be checking our focus otherwise it will shift without us realizing what happened.  


I am not saying I have or will ever live up to these thoughts here.  But this is what I think I'm learning and it is something that finally makes sense to me. 

Hello There

I always thought that blogs were a little weird, but then I realized that writing things down always helped as did sharing. Maybe I just like talking too much, but I guess this way if you don't want to know, you don't have to read and you don't have to worry about being considered rude.

So I have been thinking, I've been thinking that for the past while I've been trying to be something besides what I should be.  I went away from God for a while, I doubted a lot and figured since I was such a lousy Christian He wouldn't want me anyway.  I got caught up a lot in whatever little things were happening to me and some of the bigger things too and stopped seeing what God wanted, what in the end I wanted and started to rely on my feelings instead of on good sense and on God.

But no longer, I have decided.  From now on God is pilot and I know that I'm not going to be great at this, let's be honest here.  There's a lot I don't understand about the Bible let alone life and both of them terrify me, but most of the time it's a thrilling terror.  I can't wait to see what God has in store for me, but sometimes I just want to crawl back under my Doctor Who duvet and listen to Les Mis until the need to pee forces me out from my sanctuary.

I have also decided that I need to stop trying to be a people pleaser.  I do love to help people, I love cooking and hugging and listening and making random things and being maternal.  However, some people seem to just not like me and I need to be ok with it.  When I say I am a freak or weird or crazy I mean it in the best way.  I have no problem with who I am. I am not perfect, but I try every day to be the best person I can be and if my constant trying is not enough for someone then so-be-it. It is enough for God.  I am different. I am random. I am a 20 year old girl who checks out giant books on Salvador Dali, cross stitches, wears a homemade apron every time she walks into the kitchen and has way too much of Much Ado About Nothing and just about all of Lord of the Rings memorized.  I will apologize when I do something douchy or just plain rude. I will make things right when I screw up, but if that is not enough for someone, it is not enough for them.

God has granted me this life to do something amazing for Him. I don't know what exactly it is yet and who knows if some of it has already begun.  But I do know that life is an adventure, not an exact science, but an adventure and it has already started.